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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27774169">I would still love you even as I burn</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/marisbars/pseuds/marisbars'>marisbars</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Cheating, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Infidelity, F/M, Gaslighting, Infidelity, M/M, Mentions of Sex, Other, Pain, Post-Break Up, mature themes</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 23:43:02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,249</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27774169</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/marisbars/pseuds/marisbars</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Dating Terushima Yuuji was like doing the waltz on hot coal. It was thrilling, sensual, and painful all at once. He set your heart aflame the moment he entered your life and you never attempted to extinguish it.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Terushima Yuuji/Reader</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>31</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>I would still love you even as I burn</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The first time you saw Terushima Yuuji, your heart was struck by an unexplainable force that drew you towards him like a magnet. He was beautiful, loud, and reckless; his presence demanded attention - <em> craved </em> for it (you could tell) - and you had purposely given yourself no choice but to oblige. </p><p>It was in a dark, dingy bar that attracted a minimal crowd because it was located on a random street corner in the quietest part of town. It was your go-to place for drinks after work or whenever you were feeling down, and you liked it especially because there was a low chance of being unnecessarily bothered by unwanted company. </p><p>You remember that night vividly: a flash of gold that moved from the peripherals of your vision, slowly, till it slid right in front of you and asked for your name. As much as you wanted to be alone, you couldn’t help but to comply with this presence, and - crazy as it sounded - their voice alone was incontestable and beckoned you to yield any sense of autonomy you had at that moment. </p><p>He only just moved here, he had said, sliding a drink that he purchased into your hands. His eyes bore into yours and you were reminded of honey and caramel. You got more entranced by him as the night wore on, and you recall finding yourself melting into his personal space completely; a mistake you thought nothing of at the time. Maybe you should have stopped the conversation there and walked away. Maybe you shouldn’t have exchanged things beyond formalities: like body heat, messy kisses, and finally numbers- </p><p>But you did.</p><p> </p><p>----------</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>Dating Terushima Yuuji was like doing the waltz on hot coal. It was thrilling, sensual, and painful all at once. He set your heart aflame the moment he entered your life and you never attempted to extinguish it.</p><p>The sex was no different; his body would meet yours in ways that left metaphorical burns on your skin. He’d write his name with his tongue between your thighs and he’d make sure your heated, quivering figure would obsess over him like as if he was a new religion.</p><p>But if churches were places of worship then your bed would have been a large cathedral you laid in, whispering words of adoration for slender fingers and soft, blonde hair. If it demanded repentance, then you’d willingly bruise your knees to confess your misdeeds and await damnation - but perhaps your only sin was to stupidly love someone who’d listen to your murmurs of praise and treat them like they were nothing more than mere sentences. </p><p>Terushima was just that kind of person. He’d watch as you tremble under him, repeating ‘I love you’s like a broken record, but he’d never say them back. </p><p>Despite this, you felt your existence revolve around him like a flower in the sun; you’d wither at his absence and bloom whenever his burning presence slipped back into your space. Anything he wanted, you’d get - if he didn’t like something, you’d make sure he’d never see or hear of it ever again.</p><p>Both you and Terushima danced along to a provocative rhythm that consisted of crescendos and light-hearted rhapsodies, but it was still chaotic enough to ensure you were always one step behind. He pulls away when the melody softens and swiftly snatches you back when the beat strikes at fortissimo. Every time you tried to match his pace, he’d spin on his heel and sweep you off your feet once more.</p><p>One morning you noticed a light bruise near the dip of his collarbone as he got dressed, and the music seemed to stop all at once. The mark was unmistakable. When did this happen? </p><p>You kept your eyes on him as he continued with his routine but never said a word. Maybe it was because you didn’t know how to bring this issue into a conversation; maybe it was because you were afraid of what he’d say. Would he deny it? Or would he admit it and end things immediately? </p><p> </p><p>You made a mental note to mention the bruise after he comes home from work. </p><p>You made yet another mental note when you ended up lying in bed alone at 3AM.</p><p>Then, you made a last mental note when you woke up the next morning to empty sheets anyway.</p><p> </p><p>But you never said a word.</p><p> </p><p>----------</p><p> </p><p>You’ve always wanted to ask Terushima what it was like to have someone who’d let him break them more than once. What was it like to feel this needed and not have to feel obliged to return that same amount of painful yearning?</p><p>Regardless, it was easy for him to pretend that it mattered.</p><p>He’d come home smelling of alcohol and cheap perfume, but he’d still kiss you and tell you how beautiful you looked that night. He’d stroke your cheek with the softest touch, but only smile at you blankly as you murmured ‘I missed you’.</p><p>It’s a universally known fact that it’s impossible to force someone to love you - not even if it’s somebody you see through your every waking moment. Unfortunately you were just someone Terushima had around for the sake of having someone around, and the both of you knew it. </p><p>It wasn’t enough that you had fallen in love with him the moment your eyes met, neither was it enough that you’ve given him literally everything you had to offer, only for it to be left in the dust; forgotten. </p><p>As the months went by, you found yourself aching for the simplest of gestures to reassure you that you still meant something to him. Perhaps it was when he said thank you that one time you gave him a gift; or maybe it was that one night he didn’t yell at you for being dramatic and ‘too clingy for him’, but it was a good enough sign for you to continue this rotten path of what you both defined as some sort of sick form of love. </p><p>Somewhere along the way you realised that you were repulsed by his touches, but the thought of him being with someone else churned your stomach even more.  </p><p>You ended up crying the last time you slept with him and he didn’t bother to ask why - as if he knew of the reason too well to say anything about it. As you felt your soul bleed into his being with every touch, you were reminded of how he would have kissed someone else the same way; gripped their waist the same way, and it made you nauseous. </p><p>Maybe you could hope that you crossed his mind whenever he kissed them, but deep down inside, you knew it was just a pathetic excuse to stay.</p><p>You swore you heard him breathe a different name into the crook of your neck, which triggered a torrent of tears that ended the session abruptly. Terushima could only stare at you with an impartial gaze for a few seconds before pulling away completely - then leaving the house soon after.  </p><p>You weren’t sure which was more painful; the fact that he continued with his late nights after that, or the fact that all he did was nonchalantly agree when you told him you wanted to break up weeks later.</p><p> </p><p>Terushima Yuuji was beautiful, reckless, and burned others with no kindness. You loved him then, and you’re sure you still do even now.</p><p> </p><p>Your only consolation was that one year was better than none.  </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you so much to everyone who I've sent this fic to for their help to beta read. This was supposed to be longer but I don't have a good attention span and I got writers block 800 words in, so here you have it. I hope you like it anyway. :')</p></blockquote></div></div>
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